I used to be kinda smart. Kinda. Then I got a dog, and whenever I`m around him my brain turns to goo. His name is Jake. I very rarely call him Jake. I call him Scalliwag, Polliwog, Kingly King Dog, Square Face and Baby Seal Face (`cause he looks like a baby seal, and whenever I say this a kind of dog-owner Tourette’s kicks in and I have to say “Baby Seal, not Navy SEAL,” like I`m Fezzik). I also call him “Presh” and “Spesh,” which is David-Spade-speak for “precious” and “special” (oooh, I`m making myself naush). He also flops on the floor in protest when he thinks I`m leaving for the day, at which point I call him “Floppin` Presh.”
I wish I were making this up.
Cutest dog ever. Look at da tootsis!
But the real problem is the singing. I sing to my dog all the time — when I come home, when we’re playing fetch, when he’s taking a duke — it doesn’t matter. What follows is a partial listing of the songs I sing to Jake, in descending order of frequency:
- Theme from “The A-Team” – (it goes like “Jake the dog! Jake THE dog. Jake the DO-OG! Ja-a-ake the dog!”)
- Theme from “The Tonight Show” – (“It’s Jake the do-og. It’s-a Jake-a the dog!”)
- Flatt & Scruggs` “Salty Dog” – (“Let me be your softy dog, or I won’t be your man at all.” Doesn’t make sense, but I sing it anyway)
- Rich Mullins` “Our God is an Awesome God” – (“Our dog is an awesome dog”, natch)
- Theme from “Law & Order” – (Just the first part, before it starts sounding like the theme from “Quantum Leap.” Replace every note with “dog” and you got it: “Dog DOG. Dog-dog-dog-dog DOOOOOOG. Dog DOG. Dog-dog-dog-dog DOG DOG.”)
- Theme from “Twin Peaks” – (Same formula as above. Melody is harder to get right, but I think it was Angelo Badalamenti’s intent that his themes be sung to pets. I`m working on the one from Cabin Fever.)
Who else is transformed into an idiot by the power of dog?
